


Thoughts

by neomu_joa



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Diary/Journal, Other, Therapy, biography
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:47:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27062182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neomu_joa/pseuds/neomu_joa
Summary: This work is like a diary where I share personal experiences and events I've been through. It's not made to moralize or to make anyone uncomfortable. It's just made to show and tell. If you identify or appreciate it's great. If you don't like, please don't throw unnecessary hate.I apologize in advance for my clumsy grammar and syntaxe. Feel free to make me notice and correct.
Kudos: 1





	Thoughts

Home. What a generic word that is the word home. It usually symbolises a place you can come back to, a shelter. A place full of memories, that will ever stay immortal. A place that has seen you go through thick and thin. A place where you feel like nothing will ever harm you. To be honest I never had such place. For sure always had a roof above my head and a bed to sleep. Hence I never had a shelter where I felt like nothing would ever harm me and I never stayed long enough somewhere for this place to the sanctuary of my memories. I never stayed longer than five years at the same place starting from my youngest age until now. To tell you how much I used to move, I don’t even remember how the first place I ever lived in looked like, because I was only a few months when we moved out. But That is no my point. Now I’m going to tell you about one of these places I used to live in and probably the one that gave me the most grief.

The story starts a few months before we move out. My mom was a few years out of her divorce with my first stepfather and just met that men but it just seemed like they hit it off right away. I did not find him anything exceptional but my filial piety told that if she was happy; everything will be okay. We’d pay him visit every few week-ends and everything seemed cool, until my mom told that she noticed he had this habit of staying on his computer really late at night and that she suspected him of still trying to see women besides her. Anyway she never addressed him on this topic and acted like nothing happened instead moving in projects started to concretize. And now I would like to address every parent that reads me or every person who wants to be one someday, it seems like every decision you take is for the sake of your children, but sometimes just ask them what they think even more if this decision have the most consequences on them. Because in my case my mom didn’t deem necessary to ask me what I felt about moving somewhere else, meaning abondonning my friends, all my marks, everything that made me slight bit healthy and happy. 

And came the day we had to move. I remember It was a friday in November. I just went to school in the morning as usual, I was in third Year of middle school. I had one of the best days I ever had in school. Actually it was a fairly normal day but since it was my last day there I enjoyed everything around me ten times more. The laughs of my classmate, the tasteless food at lunch. Hell for once I even enjoyed my Math class. The worst part was to say goodbye to my drawing club and my Art teacher who was certainly one of my favourites. At the end of the day I just didn’t want to go. When my mom came to fetch me I was deeply thinking about every single thing That I would miss, still i did not cry yet. Though when my mom and I Came to the front gate of my school I saw two teachers that particularly appreciated, my English teacher and my Music teacher. The two of them told me how much of a pleasure it was to have me as pupil and how they were going to miss me. I was so moved by their words, I couldn’t help but cry.

On the way to my new “home” my mom kept on giving me a pep talk on how i shouldn’t act up in front of my now stepfather, that it was his house and if he accepted us in his house he could as well throw me out and this and that… I felt like she had no consideration for my feelings . When we finally arrived I briefly greeted the source of my mourning went to change and then to sleep. At 7 pm. I spent the rest of the night crying myself to sleep until i got a headache and there were no longer enough water in my body to form tears. And i think the worst wasn’t the feeling of despair and emptiness that I felt at the moment, but the fact that my own mother saw this pain that i was holding inside, though when her lover came to see her, to tell her that maybe she could come talk to me and comfort me. All she had to say was: “It will pass.”. I think you can guess how painful it is for a thirteen year old child to hear her only source of support turning its back at them.

After that day i dove into a depression of a few months, I barely had any interaction with other kids at school and at some point I abandoned the idea of socializing for reading sometimes I would’ve rather stayed hidden in the school's library than eat lunch all alone in the middle of all the other kids. At “home” The presence of this man reminded me that his house will never be home to me. Not like he was abusive. I just hated his whole being and what he represented for me he was some short sighted stubborn illetterate, he wasn’t even good-looking I never understood what my mom found in him in first place. When I’d come back from school i’d avoid any interaction not in the mood to talk to anyone staying enclosed in my room for most time only getting out for eating, washing or go to the toilet. There were days when I had a fight with my mother or my stepfather for whatever reason. i’d stay in my room days in and out without feeding or drinking hoping I would finally die. I did not feel like I would be missed anyway. I lost a lot of weight the first year to the point that even my mom made me notice, and god knows if it’s not about my older brother, she doesn’t notice sh*t.

Eventually after the first year It got better. But this place still felt like a hell-hole to me. Hopefully After Three years in, I met my best friend Aaron and finally there’s some form of light seeping through that dark concrete bubble of pain, sadness and hanger that i built around myself. Four years in and my mother started to open her eyes by having me doing some spying for her, going through that man’s mailbox for evidences of cheating which weren’t that hard to find. Finally five years in, she considered that it was enough of acting like everything is ok and it was time to move out. This time for the best.


End file.
